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Chuck's Lion Pun
Down in Florida there was a young man who developed an abnormal fondness for aquatic mammals. He was fairly wealthy and had a rather large swimming pool which he kept filled with seawater.
He kept several species of sea life in his pool but was frustrated by the lack of dolphins or porpoises. He knew it would be illegal to keep either in his pool but he longed to fill his pool that way.
It happened one day, as he was driving along the beach he came across two beached porpoises and they seemed a little ill--rather than push them back in to the sea he got them in the back of his truck, covered them with wet blankets and drove them swiftly back to his home where he put them in the pool.
The swam around listlessly. What to do? He knew, from his research, that porpoises, when ill, prefer "exotic" food such as baby sea birds. He went back on the beach and found a nest of baby terns and took them home.
Sure enough the finny friends ate them up and seemed more lively. This caused him to go further down the beach to find more young gulls. For three or four days this went on, then he was forced one day to drive further down the beach than ever--he drove for about an hour and it was dark by the time he found enough baby terns to feed his aquatic booty.
Earlier that day the circus had come to the outskirts of town and begun to set up. By accident the cage to old "Fang" the toothless and very old lion was left open. Fang saw this as a possible opportunity and wandered off. He didn't get far when sleepiness overtook him and he fell asleep, right in the middle of the road.
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Our young man, with the cab of his pickup truck filled with terns, came speeding along the road and inadvertantly ran right over poor old Fang.
The FBI was on the spot and arrested him at once. Violation of the Mann Act was the charge: "Transporting immature gulls across a sedate lion for illegal porpoises."
Elephant Pun
Two elephants are slogging along in the jungle and have become dirty, tired and covered with filth. They decide that what they really need is a bath and a drink at the 'ole watering hole, so off they trudge to the river.
When they arrive at the water's edge, one elephant sees a huge turtle and suddenly goes mad. He trumpets madly, charges down to the water and just stomps the hell out of that turtle.
His friend stands there watching in stunned amazement and asks "Why ever did you do that? That turtle never did anything to you!"
"Oh, yes he did!" was the response. "Fifty years ago that turtle bit my trunk when I was getting a drink at this very river".
"Fifty years!" "Goodness, what a wonderful memory you have", replies the other.
"Yes", agreed the stomper, "I've TURTLE RECALL!"
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Czechoslovakian Pun
An Englishman and a Czechoslovakian man are visiting a large zoo and having a wonderful time.
Soon they come to the gorilla cage, where there is a LARGE sign stating
DO NOT FEED THE GORILLAS.
The Czech looks at the sign and turns to his buddy and says "Hell, I will if I want" and proceeds to start feeding the gorilla a banana...and then starts teasing the animal until the gorilla gets to the point where he can't stand any more and reaches out of the cage, grabs the Czech around the neck, and yanks him into the cage and proceeds to eat him.
His friend is appalled and runs for the zoo keeper. When they come back to the cage, the Englishman screams "There he is, that animal ate my friend!" The zoo keeper looks, and there are two gorillas in this cage..."Which one is the culprit", asks the keeper, "The male of the female? We'll have to cut him open to retrieve the remains for burial, so be sure you tell us which one it was. These are valuable creatures, after all."
The man looks carefully and then decides "Yes, there! It was the male, I'm positive!"
Well, they cut open the gorilla and sure enough, he was wrong, there was nothing but gorilla inside. The moral of this story is: If someone tells you the Czech is in the male, don't believe him.
Lancelot Pun
Sir Lancelot was on a mission King Arthur had a message that needed to be deliver to Merlin at once
The second day out his horse drew up lame He stopped at the castle of a local duke. Alas, the duke's horses had been struck with disease Lancelot was very worried
The Duke's wife said "The only thing we have left is Bruno, the dog..." she pointed at a huge BullMastiff
Lancelot looked at her and said "Surely, you would not send a knight out on a dog like this"
Back to Lancelot
The palace was being beseiged by a Yellow Giant
Everytime a knight would try to leave the giant would put his hand in front of the draw bridge
So no one could cross it
The situation was getting desperate
Finally, a young man, a page, volunteered to try
He decided that perhaps, if he just walked slowly and quietly the giant would ignore him
He was right, he crossed the bridge, right past the giants hand which proves
Always let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.
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Beethoven's Ninth Pun
The Cleveland Symphony Orchestra was performing Symphony.
There is an extensive section where the bass players don't play for 20 minutes or so. One of them decided that, rather than stand around on stage looking bored and stupid, they'd all just file offstage during their tacit-time and hang out backstage, then return when they were about to play.
On the night of the performance, the bass players filed off as planned. The last one had barely come off stage when the leader suggested "Hey, we've got 20 minutes, let's run across the street to the bar for a few!"
This idea was met with great approval, so off they went, tuxedos and all, to loosen up.
15 minutes and few rounds later, one of the bass players said "Shouldn't we be heading back -- it's almost time."
But the leader announced, "Oh don't worry, we'll have some extra time -- I played a little joke on the conductor.
Before the performance started, I tied string around each page of his score so that he'd have to untie each page to turn it. The piece will drag on a bit. We've got time for another round!"
So round they did, and finally - sloshed and staggering - they made their way back across the street to finish Ludwig's 9th.
Upon entering the stage, they immediately noticed the conductor's haggard, drawn, and livid expression.
"Gee," one queried, "why do you suppose he looks so tense?"
"You'd be tense, too," laughed the leader. "It's the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!"
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