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This is a list of phrases cat owners should get their naughty pets to write on a blackboard a la Bart Simpson. If you could get them to write... Send more suggestions to Harold Reynolds. First posting: September 20, 1993. Latest update: [November 19, 1996]
a) [xxx] is not a bed:
Any book/paper my human is reading; the bathtub; the box full of printer paper (especially when the printer is running!); the car; the computer keyboard; the crystal bowl from the people's wedding; the electric organ; the inside of the antique radio; Mommy's sock drawer; the mouse pad; piano strings; the pot (not hot) on the stove; the printer output tray; the sink; the stove.
b) [xxx] is not cat food:
Any human food, bananas, Cajun ham, cappuccino, chocolate, oatmeal, pizza, Ramen noodles, Szechuan chicken (HOT!), tea, tofu meatballs, vegetarian casserole.
c) [xxx] is not food:
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, the human's hair, the human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food; the Shamrock; carpet; kitchen towel; the other cat; plastic shopping bags.
d) [xxx] is not prey/a toy:
Any food, whether wrapped in something or not; Black Widow spiders; Christmas tree ornaments; the computer mouse; Mommy's snow white lace garter from her wedding with the beautiful tasty maribou feathers on it; Mummy; my human's penis (see one of Robin Williams' concert tapes); my human's toes; the newspaper; open milk cartons; the pantyhose; paper clips; paper coming from the printer; my poop; the produce ripening on the kitchen counter; Q-tips; the sheets; toilet paper.
e) I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist:
Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human's toes, baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear, poodle in the house, the dog, Mommy's shoelaces.
f) I will not climb the [xxx]:
Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls, lampposts, human's leg, toilet.
g) I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish:
Tissues, Mom's ironing, Dad's comics, my brother's tail, my toy mouse, the house plants, half-digested food.
i) I will not jump on the [xxx]:
Barbecue, bed at night, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night, computer keyboard, kitchen counter, my human's full bladder at 5:30 a.m., my little brother, the rabbit next door, stove, table, TV.
j) I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx]:
Floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big people's shoes, bathtub, my Dad's collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers, marble floor (acid vomit+marble=etched marble), ANYTHING when my human has guests (mostly barf).
k) I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx]:
Sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.
l) I will not try to climb into the [xxx]:
Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, garage.
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