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CHUCK'S JOKES
Top 50 Cat Web Sites
Chocolate Joke
Guy works at the candy factory mass producing Easter candy. One day he was
assigned to the "stuffing" room His job is to walk along the scaffolding and
make sure that the white marshmallow stuffing flows properly As he was walking
he noticed it seemed to be backing up and clogging so he reached over to look
closer He lost his footing and fell in the vat He started yelling "Fire, Fire,
Fire." People came running in, saw him and pulled him out and then asked him,
"why were you yelling fire?" He said "would you have saved me if I had been
yelling 'Marshmallows?'"
This poor old drunk is so loaded when he dies that his soul is still drunk when he gets to heaven's gates. St peter looks at him and says "Now what do we have here? And what are you doing here?"
The drunk says, "I been a good Catholic all my life (hic) and I wanna come in"
St peter says "If you have been a good Catholic I'll let you in--I am going to find out."
"I am going to ask you three questions about your religion, if you answer even one correctly you can come in" If you miss all three you know where you can go.
So he asks the drunk "Tell me about Christmas"
The drunk says "That's the day where all the little elves go out and eat reindeer?"
Peter says, "That's one wrong, tell me about Good Friday?"
The drunk says "That's the day when the guys in funny hats shoot at turkeys"
St Pete says, "Two wrong--this is your last chance, tell me about Easter."
The drunk says, "Easter? That's where this guy is dead and in a tomb and then on Easter Sunday he...."
Peter holds his breath and says, "Go on.
"The drunk says, "he, comes out of the tomb, and see's his shadow and runs back in, and we have six more weeks of winter."
A: 1,331:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
33 to concentrate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
For your answering machine...
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Bob with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and he'll call you back when he's nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference.
WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later.
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.
(or)
Hello, you're caller number nine!
(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a
message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your
name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your
name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave
your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for
extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want
to leave your number and the time you called, please press
star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and
(BEEP)
E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test ... 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP
(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".
Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...
Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?
Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear a... er... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's, Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern...
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.
Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.
The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.
You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Courtesy of Joe Vaughn
The top 10 things cats would do if they had access to computers!
10. Break into Vets computer and erase their appointments, And schedule
the dog down the street for FULL range of shots.
9. Keep a log of lives used.
8. Access Dogs records of buried bones and change it.
7. Using a CAD program design a better mouse trap.
6. Print a time table of the best window to lay in to catch the best
sun.
5. Play with the mouse.
4. Use Fax card to send junk mail back to Dog.
3. Set a schedule for time for eating and sleeping.
2. Leave E-mail to humans telling them it is time to change litter
box.
1. Play chase the cursor.
(C) Dr. Pepper1 8/7/92
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A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the
sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday
took a long hat pin alo ng to poke him with every time he would doze
off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out
"...and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on t he 7th..."
she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed
"Good God all mighty".
The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again . When the minister got to "...and who died on the cross to save us from our si ns..." the wif e hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ". The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and the minister got to "...and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child..." the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off".
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the birdinto the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
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I was camping at a park in Missouri. As I was trying to sleep in my tent I heard a noise out side by the picnic table, and I shined my light out to see what it was, I saw Skunk checking to see if I had left anything for him to eat, I turned off the light and went back into the tent. He hung around for awhile as I could hear him rumaging around out there.
Well it started to rain, and the next thing I knew I saw a nose poking its way into the tent, followed by two eyes. We just sat there looking at each other for a few seconds, then he came on in.
Well I knew that if I got excited, my fishing trip would be over, and my tent, sleeping bag, and all my gear would be history!! Well he came on in and I could not believe it curled up at the bottom of my sleeping bag and went to sleep!
Well I looked down at him, and told him that he could stay, BUT if I rolled over in my sleep he had better NOT get mad at me! All was OK. I woke up the next morning, and he was still there.
He woke up stuck his nose out of the tent, it had stopped raining by then, he took one last look at me, kind of saying THANK YOU and walked on out.
I put on my boots and followed him out. The Park ranger was there checking the area out, and was looking at me strangely, he came over and asked me if the skunk had come out of my tent!
I looked at him and said "YEA We spent the night together!" He cracked up! I told him the story, and he just shook his head! He said anyone else would have panicked! I said Yea and they would not be smelling very well either!!
Well latter that day when I was at a store at the park, the ranger was there, he pointed at me and said to the other ranger THERE is the guy who spent the night with the skunk! LOL
Never did see the skunk again, but it was a night that I will never forget!
Joe
@j.vaughn drpepper1@delphi.com
MoJoEd's Jokes
The Brass Rat
There's this tourist in San Francisco... He is checking out ChinaTown... He's in a gift shop...a real out-of-the-way place. He finds a bronze rat...life-size, very realistic, but it has an almost hypnotic quality about it. he is fascinated by the bronze rat. So the tourist takes the bronze rat to the counter and asks the old Chinese proprietor the price. The ChinaMan says "The bronze rat is twelve dollars, the story behind it is a thousand dollars." The tourist says, "Thanks buddy, but I'll just take the rat." So he pays for the rat a nd leaves the shop.
As he is climbing the stairs back up to the street, he thinks he hears a scratching sound behind him. He starts walking down the street, and he hears a squeak. He looks back, and there are a dozen or so rats following him. He walks a little farther, looks back again, and there are over a hundred rats following him. He starts walking faster, rats are pouring out of everywhere -- the sewers, condemned buildings, abandoned cars, fast-food restaurants... There are thousands of rats now...tens, no hundreds of thousands of rats! The tourist starts running...running downhill...towards Fisherman's Wharf. He takes another look back...rats from curb to curb, ten blocks or more long... the squeak is now a screech. He gets to Fisherman's Wharf and runs down a long pier...at the end of the pier he jumps in the air and grabs a lightpost. Holding the post with one arm, he flings the bronze rat as far into the bay as he possibly can. The mass of rats plunge off the end of the pier...it takes nearly ten minutes until the last of them are into the bay.
Finally the tourist climbs down off the light post. He stops shaking and wipes the sweat off. He climbs the hill, back to ChinaTown. He goes back to the old out-of-the-way gift shop. As he enters, the old ChinaMan looks up and smiles. "I see you have returned, Friend. You want the story now?" The tourist says "No, I still don't want the story. I was just wondering if you might have any bronze lawyers."
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Subject: FW: *** Alien Encounter
Imagine if you will ... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief ... reporting what was found upon visiting the planet Earth.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."
"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."
"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."
"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?"
"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."
"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."
"No brain?"
"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!"
"So... what does the thinking?"
"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."
"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"
"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"
"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."
"Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."
"So what does the meat have in mind?"
"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual."
"We're supposed to talk to meat?"
"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."
"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."
"I thought you just told me they used radio."
"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."
"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"
"Officially or unofficially?"
"Both."
"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."
"I was hoping you would say that."
"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"
"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"
"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."
"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."
"That's it."
"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?"
"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."
"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."
"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."
"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"
"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotation ago, wants to be friendly again."
"They always come around."
"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how utterly, cold this galaxy would be if one were all alone with no-one to talk to but meat."
MOJOED> OK...
.John> /new jokes only
.John> hmmm... /invoke new joke mode
.John> not working :-)
THE PIRATE JOKE
This pirate gets back to his home port after a very long voyage. First thing he does is go to his favorite waterfront bar to see his best friend the bartender. The bartender immediately tells the pirate how bad he looks. The pirate says "Arr, but I feels fine!"
The bartender says "The last time I saw you, you had both legs." The pirate says "Arr, Matey, I be in a sea battle, a cannonball blows the leg clear off...but doc fixes me up with a peg and I feels fine!"
The bartender says "The last time I saw you, you had both hands." The pirate says "Arr, I be in another battle, we be a-swordfighting and a swabby chops the hand clear off...but doc fixes me up with a hook and I feels fine!"
The bartender says "last time I saw you, you didn't wear an eyepatch." The
pirate says "Arr, I be relaxing on a beach between battles and a little birdie
poops in me eye." The bartender says "You lost an eye to bird poop???!!?" The
pirate says "Arr, I weren't used to me hook yet."
MotorCycle Dishes
Fred is out shopping for a motorcycle...finally he finds just what he wanted... It is his dream bike, but there is a seal on the instrument cluster missing, so he will have to smear Vaseline on it whenever it rains... But the price is excellent, and he decides to buy it anyhow.
So...a few days later, he rides it over to his girlfriend's place for a family dinner. His girlfriend meets him outside the house, and tells him "Whatever you do, don't say a word at dinner tonight. My family has had a fight this past week about the dishes, and first one to break silence has to do them.
"Sure enough, he goes inside, and Mom and Pop are eating in silence...there are dishes piled to the ceiling in the kitchen.So Fred decides to have some fun with this...he grabs his girlfriend and throws her up onto the table and has rowdy sex with her.
His girlfriend is somewhat flustered, her mother is horrified, and her father is livid, but all remain silent.
A few minutes later, he grabs Mom and does a repeat performance. His girlfriend is furious, Pop is freaking out, and Mom is a little happier. All are still silent.
Suddenly, there is a clap of thunder and it starts to pour. Fred grabs his jar of Vaseline out of his jacket pocket and stands.
Pop jumps up and screams: "OK, OK! I'll do the damned dishes!"
^
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It seems when Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut, however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs.
Over the years many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. A few months ago, (Jul 05, Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded.
It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick it up, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex, oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Ode to SPAM(tm)
Oh SPAM(tm)! Oh SPAM(tm)! Gourmet delight!
My food by day, my dreams by night.
To carve, to slice, to dice you up -
pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup.
What shining deity from Olympus knelt
down to the earth and hog butt smelt?
Creating then man's eternal desire
for swine entrails congealed by fire.
On some corporate farm, a pig has died.
Eyes, tongue, and snout end up inside
that cube of SPAM(tm) hidden in the can
I now hold in my trembling hand.
More than mere food, SPAM(tm) is for me
a hedonistic expression of gluttonous glee.
Mottled with pork fat, the pink cube engrosses.
My mouth takes it in, my intestine disposes.
Long have my arteries clogged to the sound
of sizzling SPAM(tm) when there's no one around -
furtively chewing or swallowing whole.
Triple bypass by forty, my medical goal.
Other processed meat products I've tried or declined
Vienna Sausages, Treet, even pig's feet in brine.
Though each may be tasty in different ways,
none matches SPAM(tm) for gelatinous glaze.
That glistening pinkness beckons me
with gristle, fat, and BHT.
Oh SPAM(tm), my SPAM(tm) - the taste, the smell!
The sacred meat product, from Hormel.
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