Rules of Etiquette for Inexperienced Cats Top
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If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in
time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good.
Determine which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. They won't
dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to
have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which
contrast with your own.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything.
Just sit and stare.
For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied
to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and
hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to
use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened,
stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly
important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book
readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out
and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She
will try to distract you. Ignore it. For people doing homework, sit on the paper
being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable
off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.
When it becomes time to dislodge a fur ball, choose the dining room at dinner
time.
When your owner returns home laden with packages, fall down in front of them --
this works best on steps, all the better if the individual is proceeding
downward. There is always the chance you may get stepped on, but this usually
guarantees a fall and if you milk the guilt that follows it is usually worth it.
Should you run into a closed sliding glass door or do anything stupid, never let
on as much and go about your business as if "I meant to do that."
If you allow a dog to share your domain you are in luck. Should you tatter the
drapes or destroy anything for which you fear retribution, wait until your owner
(misnomer if there ever was one) is nearby, slap the dog and run for it. Dogs
are stupid and will accept blame for anything. If this ruse should fail simply
run and hide. No one really expects to catch a cat.
Chase, frolic, and run from invisible entities. The why doesn't matter, it is
just expected.
Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night
between 2 and 4 a.m.